The Motives for Marriage (1)

The story is told of a newly hired cub reporter whose editor gave him the basic, classic instructions that he should always find out the answers to the five important questions for every news story: who, what, when, where, and why. He then added, however, “Almost always. The only newsworthy story for which you never ask ‘Why’ is a wedding.” While that seems to be good advice nowadays, God has given at least four very specific motives, or reasons, for marriage.

First, marriage provides companionship. All that we have seen brings new meaning to the words “an help meet for him” in Genesis 2:18, which many Christians do not really understand. The literal idea is “a helper suitable for him.” Originally, “help meet” was two words; today we consider it one, for the most part. “Help” meant what our word “helper” means, while “meet” literally meant “appropriate to, corresponding to, or approximating at every point.” So then, God made man a helper, a helper who approximates him, a helper who is appropriate and suitable for his needs.

I sure identified with a sign in a wallpaper and paint store that read, “Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives.” How true that is for me! If it’s not blue, then I don’t really care. If it weren’t for my wife’s knowledge, my clothes would never be coordinated. And that’s just one area in which she is a helper who is appropriate and suitable for my needs. 

One Christian writer, says it well: “As a result of the creation order, men and women are oriented to one another differently. They need one another, but they need one another differently. The man needs the help; the woman needs to help. Marriage was created by God to provide companionship in the labor of dominion.” That says it perfectly! When we understand that principle, when we are related to our spouse as God has designed us to, we will see our marriages transformed. 

Now couple that principle with the term “one flesh,” a term we find in Genesis and further along in Ephesians 5. This term does not refer only to sexual union, though that is involved. One way to think of this is in light of our word “everybody.” When we say, for example, “Everybody went to the church picnic,” we do not refer to literal “bodies,” but rather to everyone, that is, every person. That is what the Hebrew means. For example, when God says He will “destroy all flesh,” He doesn’t mean skin, bones, and so forth. He means that He will destroy every person. So, “one flesh” means one person, a whole person, a complete person. Two become one.

We should see in all this the fact that before marriage each of us was only half a person. As mentioned earlier, there will be those few who God empowers to remain single, but the general rule is marriage, and each individual is actually incomplete before that time. While that idea is violently apposed today—“I don’t need anyone else,” it is argued—such arguments are foolish because that one is incomplete without the other. That principle is at the heart of marriage—each is incomplete without the other; the two become one. The man brings strength and leadership into the “one person,” and the woman brings softness, nurturing, and other such qualities into the “one person.” Each half of the person complements the other half. 

How foolish we are when we do not allow the qualities of our life mate to balance us out. Have you ever wondered why God never puts two similar people to together? Because if He did, one of the individuals would be unnecessary. Have you ever looked at your marriage and noticed that one of you likes to get up early while the other likes to sleep late, that one of you likes to stay up late while the other likes to go to bed early, that one of you has a good sense of direction while the other can’t find north with a compass, that one of you is a good bookkeeper while the other one isn’t, that one of you is a neat freak and the other a slob? Why are these and many other contrasts true? Because when you put the two halves together, you get a whole person.

What, then, is the end result? Not only does it make a complete, whole person, which is good for that person, but ultimately it brings glory to God. Mark it down: every Godly, successful marriage is a praise to God; it is a testimony, a proclamation to the world that God’s institution works. We’ll continue this first motive for marriage next time.

The Meaning of Marriage (2)

Last time we left off with the controversial subject of a woman taking a man’s name in marriage and discovered that this is actually a biblical principle.

This is further seen, in fact, in what name Adam gave Eve. What a wonderful truth we see here! As Adam was naming all the animals, he did not name them without meaning. Names in the ancient world were much more significant than in western culture. Adam actually gave her two names. The first was “woman” (Gen. 2:23), which is the Hebrew Ishshah, which Adam himself defines as “taken out of Man.” The second name was “Eve,” which should bless the heart of every woman. It is the Hebrew Chavvah, which Adam again defines, “the mother of all living.” 

What a truth! Every wife is both an Ishshah who is dependent on a man for her living, and a Chavvah on whom every man is dependent for his life. The warm-hearted Walt Disney movie, The Lion King, contained a song called, “The Circle of Life,” but what we see here is truly the circle of life: while the woman was taken from the man and is dependant upon him, every man is likewise dependent upon a woman for his life. And God did (and continues to do) all this through one institution—marriage.

Are there not exceptions to all this? Does not God’s Word talk about people remaining single? Yes, this is mentioned in Matthew 19:11-12 and I Corinthians 7:7. We will not take the space to deal with it here, but biblically “celibacy” is rare. God’s norm, God’s rule that has few exceptions, is marriage.

So then, the essence of marriage is companionship. We can put the matter this way: Marriage is a formal covenant (agreement or promise) between a man and a woman to become each other’s loving companion for life.

Malachi 2:14 is the key. The prophet addresses Jewish men with the words, “She [is] thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.” In light of the rampant divorce in the nation, the context speaks of the seriousness and devastation of divorce, that is, the breaking of the covenant (the promise, the commitment) between husband and wife. What is a companion? A companion is one with whom we are united in goals, values, affections, and, in the case of marriage, even body. So, when the “covenant of companionship” is made, each partner promises to love the other with an agape love (a self-emptying self-sacrifice), to take away each other’s loneliness, to meet each other’s sexual needs, to honour and be faithful to the other, to bear children as God dictates, and many other things as well. The world’s idea of a “soul mate” is nothing but a shallow mud puddle in comparison with the oceanic depth of God’s principle of the covenant of companionship.

How important it is also that marriage vows contain these principles! The ones we use today might be traditional, but they are not entirely biblical. Where needed, we should not hesitate to rewrite these vows. This is just one more area that should be covered in in-depth premarital counseling, something that has virtually disappeared in Christianity today, and which has brought devastating consequences. 

It is tragic beyond words at how little counseling is done before pastors marry couples. I personally know one pastor who has done hundreds of weddings without a word of counsel. Frankly, I have done few weddings in 33 years of ministry for that very reason. I have often had phone calls that went like this. “Hello, Pastor, my fiancé and I were wondering if you would marry us?” “Maybe,” I answer. “What do you mean maybe?” comes the puzzled reply. “Well first, we must all sit down to at least six weeks of pre-marital counseling where we will open Scripture and deal biblically with what marriage is and the requirements God gives for the husband and wife.” If the caller is still on the line by now, I conclude, “After that time is complete, I’ll then tell you whether or not I’ll perform the ceremony.” Usually, the response is, “Well . . . uh . . . thank you for your time. Goodbye.” I simply cannot be part of beginning a marriage that is not founded upon the absolutes of God’s Word.

Marriage, then, is the very core of human existence and societal success. It is not to be entered lightly; we don’t just “try marriage and see if it works out.” It is a covenant, a promise, a commitment of life. As we continue, we will see more of these absolutes.

The Meaning of Marriage (1)

In our last two installments, we examined the world’s view of marriage. We turn now to God’s view and will examine three emphases in the next several installments: the meaning, motives, and model of marriage.

Before we can understand precisely what marriage is, we must consider what it is not.

First, sexual relations do not constitute marriage. It is a common misconception that sexual union constitutes marriage. But if that is true, then fornication is actually an “informal marriage” and adultery is actually “bigamy” (or polygamy). But the Word of God says no such thing. It speaks of these things as being outside of marriage. For example, Joseph is clearly called Mary’s husband even though it is explicitly stated that they had not yet joined in sexual union (Matt. 1:25). We would also add, neither is a marriage “consummated” by sexual union on the honeymoon as is often maintained. If that were true, then the pastor was very misleading when he said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Rather, as we’ll see in a moment, a marriage is consummated when the couple exchanges vows before God and other witness and enter a covenant relationship.

Second, marriage was not instituted primarily for procreation. Some folks believe that the main purpose of marriage is to propagate the human race in a respectable fashion. That’s what the Greeks thought: “You have to have wife so you can have children who won’t be called bastards.” But we can put the matter this way: marriage is more than mating. Though procreation is one of the duties of marriage (assuming both persons are physically capable of having children), such procreation could have been accomplished without marriage.

What then is marriage? Simply stated, God’s Word speaks of marriage as “The Covenant of Companionship.” Let us fully explain this wonderful principle.

Marriage is indeed the most natural and the most likely step a person will take in his (or her) life. We say this for two reasons, both of which are based upon Genesis 2:18: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

We will return to the term “help meet” a little later, but the first reason that marriage is the most natural and the most likely step a person will take is that it is not good for a man to be alone. God says that the “single life” is not good. Adam was lonely in the Garden, so God gave him a companion. Yes, there are exceptions, as we will see, but the general principle is that single is not satisfactory.

The second reason is because the woman was created for the man. “What did you just say?” many would shout today. Oh, how upset people get at that statement! A cross reference here is I Corinthians 11:8-9, which we will study in our next chapter: “For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” This does not imply inferiority or servitude on the part of the woman; it does not imply that she is to be at her husband’s beckoning call or that she must satisfy his every whim. What this means is that the women’s purpose in being created was to be the man’s companion, one with whom he can share everything, one who can help him. While this truth is challenged often, all one has to do is examine good marriages to find that this principle works in practice.

This is also seen in the fact that a woman takes the man’s name when she marries him. Does the Bible actually teach that? Indeed It does. Genesis 5:1-2 declares: “This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created (emphasis added).” Notice that God called them, not just him, Adam. From the very beginning, the woman was a “covenanted companion” with her husband, to the point of even taking his name. While some women today resent this practice and keep their “maiden” name or hyphenate their maiden name with their husband’s name, they apparently miss the fact that their maiden name is also a man’s name—their father’s name. They are not only being silly but also are rebellious against God’s design. We’ll continue these thoughts next time.

The World’s View of Marriage (2)

Last time we began our examination of marriage and the family in Ephesians 5:22-6:4 by asking, “What is marriage?” We began with the world’s view by first looking at the Jewish attitude. 

Second, the Greek attitude concerning marriage. The attitude of the Greeks was even worse than that of the Jews. There was no divorce among the Greeks, but then again there was no reason to have it. The wife was only for giving legitimate children, and most sex was outside of marriage. Female and male prostitution was unbelievably rampant. Men got most of their sexual gratification from mistresses and prostitutes. Women, often with encouragement from their husbands, found gratification with their slaves, male and female. The Greek word porneia, from which is derived our English word “pornography,” clearly explains the Greek attitude. The feminine word pornē literally means “harlot for hire,” and the masculine pornos literally means “male prostitute.” Porneia came to refer to any sexual perversion: 1. Fornication, sex before marriage; 2. Adultery, extra-marital sexual relations; 3. Homosexuality and lesbianism, sex among members of the same gender; 4. Paedophilia, the sexual abuse of children. All of that, and more, was the everyday reality in Greece.

Third, the Roman attitude concerning marriage. While it’s hard to imagine a scene worse than the above, it seems as if the Romans combined the worst from both the Jews and the Greeks. Divorce was common practice in the latter years of the Roman Empire and was easily accomplished. Jerome, the 4^th and 5^th Century Bible scholar, recorded that one woman married her twenty-third husband and that she was his twenty-first wife! 

Feminism (women’s liberation) also developed in the Empire. Women didn’t want children because it ruined their bodies. Women wanted equality with men, so they demanded “marriage contracts,” “open marriages,” and often even initiated divorce. The women also did masculine things such as wresting, sword throwing, and running bare-breasted while hunting. 

Many scholars speak of the “greatness of Rome,” while in truth its decadence was beyond belief. On the other hand, does all this really sound all that foreign to our ears?

Fourth, the modern attitude concerning marriage. Are not today’s views of marriage much like the ones we just traced historically? We see the same sexual promiscuity and perversion today that existed in the Greek world. Prostitution is rampant and is even legal in many places. Homosexuality and lesbianism are accepted as “alternate life-styles” even in some denominations of “Christianity.” Pre-marital and extra-marital sex are accepted norms. And paedophilia is a horrible and tragically common occurrence. Marriage and family are no longer sacred and central. People live together outside of marriage, some of whom are even professing Christians. Children are not wanted because it cuts down on people’s freedom, so babies are murdered in the womb and people are voluntarily sterilized. And, of course, the divorce rate is rampant in our society. 

So we say again, there truly is nothing on earth that has come under more direct assault, past and present, than has the institution of marriage. Let us now turn to the positive, God’s view of marriage, which we will examine next time.

The World’s View of Marriage (1)

In previous studies we have examined the foundation of the home by studying the meaning, manifestations, and means of being filled with the Holy Spirit. How vital it is that we, with Paul, start with that! If that is not accomplished first, the rest of Paul’s guidelines for the home will be impossible to implement. Spirit-filling, or as we also paralleled in Colossians, Word-filling, must be the very foundation of the Christian home (as well as everything else in Christian living). As noted before, when the Word of God permeates us, the Spirit of God controls us. This prepares us to examine the specifics Paul gives concerning the Christian home. In the verses that follow (5:22-6:4) Paul writes of the responsibilities of each family member. 

Just minutes before I stepped into the pulpit to deliver the first message on marriage, it occurred to me why I love to preach on marriage and the family. I quickly added three brief thoughts to my notes before stepping into the pulpit. One reason is that this is part of God’s Word, and that is my passion. My desire, based on Paul’s admonition to the Ephesians pastors in Acts 20:27, is to preach “all the [pas, “whole”] counsel of God.” Second, I have a wonderful wife and family that God has given, so I love to preach on a subject that is so dear to my heart. Third, is how important and foundational the marriage and home are not only to the Church but also to society itself. As we’ll see, there has been throughout history violent assault on marriage and family. I love to preach on this because if we don’t have godly homes, we won’t have a Church or even a country left in which to live.

Every family consists first of a husband and a wife, that is, a man and a woman. Is that a novel thought? Hardly. The whole notion of homosexual marriage is so ridiculous, so unimaginable that it barely deserves refutation. While it is more and more accepted in our day as various states legalize it (and some churches sanction it!), there can be no argument whatsoever that God does not even condone it, much less make it a standard for the family. 

We, therefore, ask the question, “What exactly is marriage?” While the answer might seem obvious, it actually grows more obscure by the day. It is vital that we know the answer to this before we can ever understand the home in general or the responsibilities God has given to each family member. Let us look, therefore, at the contrast between the world’s view of marriage and God’s view.

What is the world’s view of marriage? To say the least, many marriages are not happy, fulfilling, or rich. As the story goes, a certain little seven-year-old girl who had just seen the movie Cinderella was testing her neighbor lady’s knowledge of the story. The neighbor, anxious to impress the little girl, said, “I know what happens at the end.” “What?” asked the girl. “Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after.” To which the cynical seven-year-old answered, “Oh no, they didn’t. They got married!”

While that brings a smile to our faces, it is tragically true in many marriages. Why? Because they are not based upon the truth of Scripture. There truly is nothing on earth that has come under more direct assault, both today and historically, than has the institution of marriage. This fact is apparent in four ways.

First, the Jewish attitude concerning marriage. In Jewish culture a wife was quite literally considered to be, like cattle or household possessions, the property of her husband and was certainly not an equal. In his morning prayer, a Jewish man would often give thanks that God had not made him “a Gentile, a slave, or a woman.” Women never ate with the men in the home; the husband and sons would eat first and the wife and daughters would wait for what was left. Husband and wife never walked arm in arm, rather the wife walked behind the husband. Things such as pitching and striking tents, packing and unpacking household goods, and tending flocks were the duties of the women.

The provision God gave for divorce in Deuteronomy 24 had been so distorted by liberal rabbis that a man could divorce his wife for any offense he chose: adultery, spoiling his dinner by putting too much salt in his food, walking in public with her head uncovered, talking with men in the streets, speaking disrespectfully of her in-laws in her husband’s hearing, or if she was just quarrelsome.

There were, of course, exceptions to all that. We see deep affection between Jacob and Rachel (Gen. 29-30), and Abraham treated Sarah like a queen. But such examples were the exceptions, not the rule.

At this point some of us might be tempted to say, “What a terrible thing to be taught in the Bible!” But that is not taught in the Bible. The Bible only records these attitudes; It does not condone them. Such attitudes are certainly not God’s guidelines for marriage. Man perverted what God created and intended. We’ll continue next time.

The Means of Spirit-Filling (4)

In the last three posts, we have seen three commands concerning the believer’s relationship to the Holy Spirit that without question affect the control the Holy Spirit will have on the believer: we must not grieve the Holy Spirit, we must not quench the Holy Spirit, and we must yield to the Holy Spirit. This leads us to final principle.

Fourth, we must walk by the Holy Spirit. This principle is found in Galatians 5:16; “Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.” Here is great promise. If we are walking in the Spirit, it is impossible for us to fulfill the lust of the flesh. The reverse, however, is also true; if we are fulfilling our lusts, we are not walking in the Spirit.

The word “walk” (peripateo) means “to walk about,” figuratively, “conduct of life,” that is, how we conduct ourselves as we walk through life. Specifically, our conduct is dictated and regulated by the Holy Spirit. We do not walk according to the world system’s standards, or according the Satan’s devices, or according to our flesh, or according to some legalistic method; rather we walk by the Spirit. Further, it’s in the present tense, showing a continuous, regular, habitual lifestyle of walking in Spirit control. It’s also in the imperative mood, showing that this walk is not an option but a command.

There is a paradox here that is easy to miss. Think of it: while the Holy Spirit is the source of the all holy living, it is the Christian who is doing the walking. While this seems obvious, various teachers have missed it. The failure to understand this paradox has lead to the idea of, “Just let go and let God,” which teaches that Christian living is simply a passive submission to God, who will live life for us. This teaching is called “Quietism,” which the old Quakers held. Other advocates of such teaching to one extent or another were the Keswicks, Charles Finney, and Hannah Whitall Smith in her book The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life. To these sincere, though misguided, folks, passive surrender to God means an almost total absence of the Christian’s actions.

The obvious problem with such teaching is that it ignores the many commands to the great effort on our part that godly living demands. As I Corinthians 9:24-27 outlines: “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible. I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.” The Christian doesn’t sit on the sidelines eating popcorn watching the Holy Spirit do all the work. The Christian life is a life of struggle, commitment, and discipline. We are in a war. That is why Paul writes later in Ephesians 6 that the Christian is to put on spiritual armor to prepare for battle.

So Spirit-filling is not something magical or mystical; it’s not the final goal or outcome of the Christian life, or something “exclusive,” meant only for “special people” who have had a “special experience.” It is an all-important and foundational principle of Christian living. We will never grow unless we are Spirit-filled. In fact, if Spirit-filling does not come early in our Christian experience, much of our lives will be totally wasted! As we’ve seen, “Spirit-filling” means “Spirit-control.” Therefore, the only way the Spirit can have control is if we give it to Him. This is implicitly implied in our text; we do not willfully give ourselves to wine, rather we willfully give ourselves to the Spirit. Dear Christian, do you see how foundational Spirit-filling is? 

Again, this does not mean we are filled once-for-all. We recall that Spirit-filling is a continuing experience, a repeating reality. Tragically, there are many Christians who have never really given themselves to the Lord, have never been filled with the Holy Spirit. Even more tragic is that some never will. It is for that reason that much of their lives will be wasted. It is for that reason that they know no warmth, light, or power. And it is for that reason that their homes are in shambles.

Oh, my Dear Christian Friend, are you filled with the Holy Spirit? If not, you will never have a “Christian home.” You will have a house with Christians living in it, but you will not have a Christian home. Oh, what a difference there is between a house and a home! Let each of us as family members be filled with the Spirit. It is that thought that leads us into our study of the Christian Home.

The Means of Spirit-Filling (3)

Continuing our study of Ephesians 5:18—Be filled with the Spirit— we see in Scripture four commands concerning the believer’s relationship to the Holy Spirit that without question affect the control the Holy Spirit will have on the believer. The first is we must not grieve the Holy Spirit, and the second is we must not quench the Holy Spirit.

Third, we must yield to the Holy Spirit. Yielding to Holy Spirit control is at the very heart of Spirit-filling. This is what makes it possible. As Paul wrote the Romans, “Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God” (Rom. 6:13). There is no middle ground here. The believer either yields to the Spirit or yields to sin. Paul adds a few chapters later, “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God” (12:1-2). 

In both Romans 6:13 and 12:1, we find the Greek word paristemi (“yield” in 6:13 and “present” in 12:1). This is a compound word comprised of histemi, “to place or stand,” and para, “near.” It, therefore, means “to cause to stand near or before.” It was used widely in secular Greek, such as, “to place at someone’s disposal,” “to bring [as a sacrifice],” and “bring before (the emperor or the court).” Paul’s point, then, is clear: the Christian is commanded to place himself before the Lord as a living sacrifice for God’s glory and use, to yield to the total control of God’s will, to conform not to the world’s mold but to God’s mold as revealed in His Word. 

Theologian Louis Sperry Chafer puts it well in his book, He That Is Spiritual: “A yieldedness to the will of God is not demonstrated by some one particular issue: it is rather a matter of having taken the will of God as the rule of one’s life. To be in the will of God is simply to be willing to do His will without reference to any particular thing He may choose. It is electing His will to be final, even before we know what He may wish us to do. It is, therefore, not a question of being willing to do some one thing: it is a question of being willing to do anything, when, where and how, it may seem best in His heart of love. It is taking the normal and natural position of childlike trust which has already consented to the wish of the Father even before anything of the outworking of His wish is revealed. This distinction cannot be overemphasized. . . . There must be a covenant relationship of trust in which His will is assented to once for all and without reservation.”

The way to know God’s will is to know His Word. To be yielded, then, is to covenant with God to obey His Word before we even know what It says. When we do that, we will never get “hung up” on any issue or get upset when a preacher tells us how we should live based upon Scripture. Once we settle the issue of submission to God’s Word no matter what, we will accept whatever It says. The real problem in all of us is biblical authority. We must settle that issue before we can even address any other. 

In his equally good book, The Holy Spirit, theologian John Walvoord writes: “The yielded Christian has an unusual relationship to the Word of God. As its revelation becomes known and its application becomes evident, the issue of being yielded to the truth as made known by the Holy Spirit becomes very real.”

How true! The yielded Christian does, indeed, have “an unusual relationship to the Word of God.” It’s so unusual, in fact, that he or she will seem very odd in today’s world, even among some Christians. To be Spirit-filled is to be Word-filled, no matter what It says and no matter what other people might think.